The Power of "No, But..."

Disclaimer: Only the good advice should be taken seriously. Any bad advice should be ignored or given to your enemies. That’s certainly a choice.

This all started with a podcast. A few years ago, listened to a podcast episode with Dr. Jonathan Tarbox talking about self-care and general well-being. It was a major point of interest for me as a self-care researcher, so I spent the entire episode looking for nuggets of self-care wisdom I had missed in my own research and practice. Overall, the discussion was great, but there was one point in the episode that really stuck with me. It was all about Dr. Tarbox’s recent shift to saying “no” to conference invitations.

At the time, I wasn’t being asked to do many things (or at least I didn’t think I was), so “yes” was a regular phrase in my vocabulary. Of COURSE I would help with some projects. Why wouldn’t I?! As the years in my career began ticking by like an odometer turning over, though, I had begun to realize the wisdom in that specific moment. Being able to say “no” was in itself a powerful tool, and one that I had not fostered well enough in practice.

See, the thing about saying “no” is that it’s absolutely a self-care skill, but it’s also an ethics skill. I personally believe in the good of behavior analysts. We wanted to get into this field to help people in some way (though, with some introspection and reflection, our motivations might be unduly influenced by saviorism. More on that another time). My point is that our intention is generally to do good. This means we are asked for our help…often. I think it’s very easy to see a need and want to help, so “yes” is easy and “no” is too difficult. And we get ourselves in hot water by filling our plates too much.

After some years of overwhelming acceptance of projects and tasks, I had to learn to say “no.” But I personally struggled with saying it. We all know that “no” is a complete sentence, but there are few that honor it. We also don’t like to disappoint others. At least, I don’t. Maybe that’s your reinforcer, to which I’d say, strange, I guess? There isn’t much research on signs of damage, but maybe talk to someone about that.

Anyway, I found that my struggle with saying “no” wasn’t that I couldn’t or didn’t want to. I was motivated and I had the ability. Instead, I learned that it didn’t align with my values. When asked to do projects or work on tasks, that person is reaching out and asking for help in some way. They have some unfulfilled needs and as a result, they are seeking additional resources. I just happened to be one of those resources (which is undoubtedly an honor each and every time).

My stuck point wasn’t saying “no.” Rather, it was that for me, “no” was a dead end. For others, that boundary is perfectly acceptable, and I think everyone should be able to say “no” and have it honored. I’ve personally made it a point to honor and reinforce “no” everywhere I can these days. But it still doesn’t feel good to me to say it. But I had this realization that “no,” setting boundaries, and the rules around all of that are all made up and nothing really matters (cue my existential crisis…now).

Here’s what I learned about myself; “no, but…” was more effective and aligned more with my values. If my value was to help people, then “no” alone wasn’t helpful. But if I went with “no, but…” I was able to offer an alternative solution that operated on a few of my other values. For example, if I was asked to speak at a conference but had a conflicting schedule, I could say “no” OR I could say “no, but I can offer a webinar at a different time,” or “no, but I know another speaker who would be even better.” Look at that shit. How cool is that!

“No, but…” opened up a set of alternatives that not only align with my value of being helpful, but also allows me to bring other people to the table who weren’t initially asked. At the time that I’m writing this, I’m thankful for every single conference and project invitation that comes my way (more than you could possibly know). My imposter syndrome often sets in when those emails come in. Like, are you SURE you want me there? I’m going to put the vibe in shambles. But out of necessity, I’ve had to learn “no” and learn the alternatives that follow my values more closely.

So, here’s what I recommend. If you’re stuck and need to say “no,” try saying “no, but…” instead. Here are some things that I’ve offered in lieu of the original invitation that might help give you some ideas:

• Offer a webinar at a different time in lieu of the conference invitation.

• Provide names of other presenters or practitioners that might be interested and have a similar skillset.

• Give the person a list of names for other potential supervisors who might have a similar experience.

• Accept a different, less labor-intensive role on the project (edit/proofread vs. author)

• Provide a date/time that might work better in the future given your current circumstances.

For those of us who find saying “no” more difficult than other things, I hope this helps to alleviate some of that stress. Maybe it’s worth exploring whether “no” is actually in alignment with your values, or if “no, but…” strikes a little closer to the mark. Or, just say “yes” to everything and watch it crumble. The chaos is truly your choice in this world full of arbitrary rules.